akatsuki survivor camp!
by poisonlovely
Summary: the akatsuki are off to a desert/rainforest island located somewhere near australia to play survivor camp, a reality show! chased by beavers and chucked off cliffs, how will these poor ninja people survive an undetermined amount of time here? ON HIATUS
1. The Plane Ride and Meeting Them

**IT'S ME AGAIN! After taking a break from S-Ranked Kittens (I know, all you reviewers are probably out trying to kill me…) I had a hilarious conversation that led to this. I have a lot of hilarious conversations, but this one was just hilarious. Akatsuki survival. Oh yah. Well, if you want a random guest appearance, here it is! Also, I might use your OC in this one INSTEAD of S-Ranked. So don't hurt me. YAY! NOTE TO S-RANKED KITTEN PEOPLEZ: No more OCs, and I will update within a week! If I feel like it! Yah!**

**My grammar is bad in this… and Ren is me! YAY! And our normal amount of Sasuke and some other character bashing is here!**

**Yeah…**

**DISCLAIMER: I have all of two quarters, a nickel and three dimes in my pocket. And a piece of lint. **

…**Can I buy Naruto? I don't think so… unless there's an uber sale… **

_Welcome to Narutoverse Survivor: Akatsuki Edition, where ten of our favorite evilest ninjas come and SURVIVE! _

_Rules are: _

_NO KEKKEI GENKAIS!_

_NO INTENTIONAL KILLING SLASH MAIMING SLASH EMOTIONALLY OR MENTALLY TRAUMATIZING OR SCARRING!_

_NO ELECTRONICS!_

_NO GUNS OR FIREARMS (EXCLUDING DEIDARA'S CLAY!)_

_NO MARY SUE OCS THAT MAY POP INTO THE STORY RANDOMLY!_

_AND HAVE FUN!_

_The purpose of this game is to survive an undetermined amount of time on this desert/rainforest island and then WIN WIN WIN one million ryo! That's right, Kakuzu, one million ryo!_

_I'm getting on with it… right…_

The camera zooms into the sea plane, finally focusing on a smiling violet-haired woman in a business suit without the jacket. The white shirt's front has a few buttons undone, and the buttoned sleeves are also undone. She is barefoot.

"Hiya, everybody! I'm Himura Ren, the hostess of Narutoverse Survivor! Today we land on this unnamed island of unknown locations that was randomly picked off a map of Australia and drop off our ten contestants!" Ren waves and then points to the closest Akatsuki.

The black-haired hunk of hotness, as fangirls call him, smirks slightly, lounging in his seat, watching his partner press his nose against the window like a rather large child.

Ren puts on a pair of cool artsy reading glasses and procures a packet of bright purple index cards out of no where," UCHIHA ITACHI! He used to come from Konoha, where he killed his family, leaving his mentally scarred lil' bro behind to become an emo duckbutt ave- aven… damn, I spelled that wrong…" she pulls a purple pen with sparkly fuzzy feathers glued to it and scribbled on the card,"Damn author… ugh… avenger!" she announces, finishing with a huge grin. She then points to the man next to him.

"HOSHIGAKI KISAME! He came from Kiri, is the wielder of Samehada, and is one of the Seven Swordsman of the Mist!"

Ren discards the two index cards, chucking Itachi's out the window.

The camera zooms to the next row, where a blonde and a redhead sit. Ren first points to the blonde,

"IWA NO DEIDARA! He came from Iwa, is the resident terrorist bomber and my best friend! He's my best friend, best of all best friends, do you have a best friend, too? He tickles in my tummy-"

_REN! SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT!_

"Yes, O Mighty Authoress!" the purple-haired woman grins, saluting the voice that rumbled from above," Deidara's an artist and he works with clay!"

The redheaded man pokes Deidara as the blonde turns an odd shade of green,"Need a barf bag?" he asks sympathetically, remembering how nauseous motion sickness made him as a young child.

"Thanks, danna…" Deidara groans. The barf bag came into use all of three seconds later. The redhead does the nice thing and holds back Deidara's long blonde hair.

"Ooh… that was nice, Sasori! AKASUNA NO SASORI! Came from Suna, is a very famous and talented puppeteer and poison-maker-person, and is also an artist! He's also my best friend!" Ren smiles and does a peace sign, dropping Deidara and Sasori's index cards on the floor.. She skips to another row.

The orange-haired man sitting there is looking at his blue-haired companion worriedly. She is sweating and looking quite pale.

"FUUMA PEIN! He's the leader of Akatsuki, and really really cool! He has Rinnegan! He also looks like Ichigo from Bleach! WE LOVE YOU LEADER-SAMA!" Ren screams.

Said Ichigo-look-alike doesn't acknowledge her. Ren sweatdrops and gets slight blue depression lines.

Her smile is thrown back on when announcing the blue-haired woman,"AKATSUKI NO KONAN! She's the only other girl in Akatsuki, excluding me, but seeing as the authoress said I was just an OC and therefore COULDN'T BE PART OF THE SURVIVOR SERIES!" Ren ends up yelling at the roof of the plane.

_Do shut up, Ren._

"Okay!" the woman smiles easily again," Konan has the power to manipulate paper!"

This skill came in handy when Konan creates a barf bag to lean over, looking rather queasy but not getting sick.

Ren throws the two index cards to the ground and goes to the next two. A pouting silver-haired man who's hair is slicked back is sitting next to a hyper man in an orange mask.

"TOBI'S A GOOD BOY! HI, REN-CHAN!"

"TOBI! Also known as *cough * Uchiha Madara *cough * Ahem, excuse me, my throat must be killing me from the talking I've been doing!" Ren adjusts her tie, loosening it, and coughs again, pushing her dress shirt's sleeves to the elbows, exposing writing and drawing all over her skin, and tucking her pen behind her ear.

The silver haired man glares at her," Don't I get a fucking introduction?"

"Don't make me lose my cool, dude." Ren whips off her glasses and glares.

The silver-haired man backs off, and Ren's smile is on her face (once again), ignoring the quiet mutter of," Crazy bitch…"

"AKATSUKI NO HIDAN! He's a Jashinist, is immortal, and… yeah. That's pretty much all that's interesting about him."

"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Oh yeah, and he swears! MOVING ON, next is AKATSUKI NO KAKUZU! He has five hearts, and these… weird… tentacaley-ish… things…. yeah." Ren moves her hands around, trying to describe them. She finally settles for taking her purple pen from behind her ear and drawing a quick chibi of it. She shoves it into the camera,"LIKE THIS!"

A piece of her hair falls into her face.

"MY HAIR! OH, GOD, NO! THE HEAT'S GETTING TO IT! HOLD ON MY PRECIOUS! DON'T DIE!" the violet-haired woman screeches, stroking the lock.

Everybody on the plane sweatdropped. Ren looks up and then tucks her hair behind her ear carefully, whispering quiet words to it.

_Dammit, woman! Imma dock your pay if you keep going off like this!_

Ren whimpers quietly, and glares up,"It's my hair…"

_Fine, I'll give you some special shampoo and make sure the heat doesn't affect it too badly… _the author's voice groaned.

"Thankies!" Ren beams up at the author.

"Fucking wimp." Hidan mutters, somewhat affectionately.

"Urusai. Anywho, we have AKATSUKI NO ZETSU! He's the checkerboard and the most amazing cannibal plant thing you'll ever meet!"

Zetsu stares at the camera,"Yo. **Whatcha looking at, ya pansies?"**

"Em… okay, then! And that's everybody!"

The plane does a sudden nosedive to the island.

The Akatsuki starts screaming in terror until Kisame yells,"Look out the window!"

The windows are instantly filled. Everyone oohs and ahs at the pretty island. Half of it is your typical desert islands, and the other half is rainforest.

"I picked it! Isn't it pretty?" Ren says, grinning. The plane lands and comes to a stop in shallow water.

Everyone sits at the beautiful sight.

"So, who wants to get off first?"

Silence.

A butterfly flew past Deidara's face.

"Fine, make a line."

The Akatsuki makes a line on the opening of the plane. Ren passes by and then trips on one of the purple index cards she drops. Squealing, she shoves Deidara out. HARD.

He lands in the water with a yell.

Ren stands there, rubbing the back of her neck and waving two of her fingers in a little salute, eyes closed and smiling sheepishly," Whoops, my bad."

"HEY, DANNA! COME IN, THE WATER'S GREAT!" Deidara whoops. The fangirls drool as he magically is in a Speedo.

Sasori takes off his cloak, and all the fangirls squee as he does a perfect dive into the water.

Angels sing and "For Your Entertainment" by Adam Lambert starts playing as Pein and Itachi take off their shirts, revealing piercings (for Pein), and perfect muscles. The fangirls (and Orochimaru) squee and try to molest them through their TVs, but Ren starts humming Britney Spears' Gimme More and that puts all of them off (except for Orochimaru, who's a creeper).

Konan shrugs and does a swan dive in.

Tobi, despite Ren's complaints doesn't take off his mask. All around the world, Naruto fans die a little inside.

Kakuzu somehow slipped into the water when everybody was looking at Pein and Itachi and is splashing around.

Kisame does a cannon ball in, wowing fangirls around the world with how ripped he is.

Ren chews the tip of her pen and blushes slightly when Hidan takes off his shirt.

He smirks and turns toward her,"Like what you see, babe?"

The blush deepens, but she chucks her pen at him, hitting him square in the nose,"Perv. And DON'T call me babe."

**(A/N: Yeah, to KatarinaWolffe, evil-tea, and habu hyuuga, I decided for the heck of it to pair her up with Hidan. It's just funny that way. E heh… it's just implied for most of it, for you happy happy Hidan fangirls…)**

Hidan shrugs and jumps into the water. Zetsu is the only one there to support Ren as she practically faints and gets a minor nosebleed.

"Silly Ren-chan…" his white half says.

His black side then gestures to the pilot's compartment," **Yo, Obito! We need a little help, here!"**

The black-haired, happy Uchiha pilot nods, pulling his orange goggles onto his forehead,"You got it, Zetsu!" he wobbled towards Ren, scooping up her left side. He's still dazed from the excellent nose-dive he had made the plane go into.

Another Uchiha (the co-pilot), steps up to support Ren's other side,"Silly Ren. Always doing shit like that. I can't wait to see my cousin's reaction that I'm still a-"

"SHISUI?" the scream sounds. Itachi is staring at him from the water.

Shisui sweatdrops as his cousin faints dead away.

**Yeah… nothing really happened. But it'll happen soon! I want to know the reaction to Ren-chan! She controls ink! And is an artist, too! She kinda fails at everything except basic taijutsu, confusing people, random crap, and fire ninjutsu (not including her art). **

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW.**

**And, if you want a funny story, please read "Being Ninja Or Not" by Sisterhood Of Traveling Kunai. I've co-written it with my AWESOME friends evil-tea (formerly night-dae, a.k.a. Reika), KatarinaWolffe (Hokura), and habu hyuuga (Kazemi). I am Raikura. Oh yeah. Read it, please!**

**AND REVIEW! Reviews are good and make Ren-chan update more quickly! YAY!**


	2. Team Names

**Wow. Nice, guys. I'm glad you like it! Again, this came to be from a hilarious conversation that me and habu hyuuga (check out her story "if you can't escape akatsuki, annoy akatsuki" and yell at her to update for me, please!) had. Heh... it was epic. Seriously epic. But anyways, here's Ren-chan's answers to your reviews!**

**~REN'S REVIEWS**

**I know. It's alliteration, Katarina Wolffe! : ) But here, Ren (not me Ren, but REN-REN (the OC)) will answer your reviews.**

**evil-tea: Well, seeing as I know you're a Tobi fangirl, that may happen. *grins ***

**Yuti-Chan: Thankies! **

**Katarina Wolffe: HI RIGHT BACKATCHA! HIHIHIHIHI! **

**Ninja-Cookie-monster: *Ren goes RAWR* *I cover her mouth* Nope, Sai just infuses ink with his chakra and makes it comes to life like that, Ren controls inks and dyes like Gaara controls sand. I pretty much stole Gaara's jutsu and put "Ink" instead of Sand. *sweatdrop * Oh yeah, and she uses Sai's jutsu, except makes it cooler : ) And she's really touchy about people comparing her to Sai... * a.k.a. me trying to make a character that isn't exactly like Sai with the same powers and failing miserably... heh heh... ***

**Corrupted Justice: Okay, she can pop in and out occasionally and help me out, but she can't be my younger sis (but can be her not-related-by-blood younger sister. That way it alll works out : ) ) I'll update S-Ranked Kittens soon! I promise! There will be one or two new chapters by December 20th!**

**And... onto the story! Anyone who has any challenge ideas is welcome to suggest. Note, this isn't Survivor. It's SurivAL CAMP. It's like the ninja equivalent of Survivor, except they can't use genjutsu, over easy B-ranked jutsu, and no kekkei genkais. But taijutsu is a-okay! So, Itachi gets a bunch of fire jutsu. And that's it. Heh heh... the other teams aren't as handicapped... at all... meh. **

**ONWARDS!**

The Akatsuki lines up after reviving Itachi (who is still pale).

Ren puts on her grin yet again after she stopped her nosebleed and Obito and Shisui bodily threw her out of the little plane. She's soaking wet, but her white dress shirt is magically still opaque (much to the disgust of multiple perverts),"Welcome, guys! I'm Himura Ren, your host-"

"Ren, we know who you are." Sasori cuts in.

"Hell, we're your partners, un!" Deidara says, crossing his arms and smirking.

"URUSAI! It's in my contract- hold it, come to think about it, I don't have a contract! YO, AUTHORESS!"

_I can hear you without you yelling, Ren. _The Authoress' voice grumbles.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Where's my contract?"

_*rustling of papers* Um... right here!_

"...that's the taxes for this month."

_Right! I knew that... *more rustling of papers* This one?_

Ren lets out a tiny sight, tapping her foot,"That's the sales at Target... you wanted some Wii games and iTunes giftcards... ooh, and buy me some calligraphy pens while you're at it!"

_...right. *more rustling* *THUD* DAMMIT! THAT WAS MY FOOT, YOU WRETCHED PAPER WEIGHT! _**(A/N: No joke, this happened to me... it HURT... like an Amaterasu and Dynamic Entry to the foot...)**

Silence. There is a huge sweatdrop on everyone's head.

_Err... this one? _The Authoress' voice mutters hopefully.

A large packet of papers appears in a poof of chocolate-scented silver mist. Ren takes it and flips through it, her reading glasses appearing back on her nose. After a few seconds, she points to a section and circles it in purple ink,"See, Sasori! Here it is!"

She shoves it in the red-headed puppet's face. He blinks a few times and believes it like Naruto **(A/N: AHAHAHA, get it? Believes it, believe it! AHAHAHAHA! * is going on laughing spree on her own bad humor while everyone stares *)**, nodding. Hidan grabs the paper out of Ren's hands,"Lemme see it!"

Ren's eyes widen at the little smirk on his face.

"Hmmm... Ren must loosen her tie at least twice daily... Ren must give the Authoress a piece of peppermint bark every week... Ren must feed Orochimaru at least one bag of Dorito's a day or else the EPA and Animal Humane Society will be on our asses weekly... ooh, Ren must take off her shirt-"

"GIVE ME THAT!" Ren yells, ripping it out of Hidan's hands and blushing madly. "I hate you. I hate you so very much..." Ren growls to the sky.

_*sniff * That hurts me, Ren-chan. That hurts me right here._

"Yeah, well, I don't know where you're gesturing, so I don't give."

_Meanie._

"WELL, anyway, welcome to Akatsuki Survival Camp! Your objective is to survive a series of obstacles and win the prize!"

"WOO (un) !" everyone yells.

"First, we've gotta break into teams of... well, just stick with your partners. It's teams of two, and I don't feel like figuring them out. Tobi and Zetsu are together."

There was quiet grumbling from the Akatsuki and cursing from Hidan. Kisame stared at Itachi worriedly. He was still rather shaken.

"Hmph." Ren loosens her tie. It's black with red Akatsuki clouds all over it,"So... come up with your team names. I'll be back." she says Terminator-style, taking off down the beach. Everybody sweatdrops.

WITH REN

Ren is panting. She'd just sprinted across the entire island, so one's gotta give her some slack. She presses a hand to the little radio in her ear,"Hailing Toad, this is Inky."

"Hiya, Hime no Sumi! **(A/N: This means Ink Princess, in Japanese, I believe) **Wanna go out for some coffee later on? Just you and me?"

"Shut it, Jiraiya."

"Sorry. This is Toad, over."

"Do you have the cages, over?"

"Hai, Inky! I have the cages! Over."

"Copy that."

There is some radio silence. Just as Jiraiya opens his mouth to flirt some more-

"Release the Orochimaru."

"Erm..."

"What now, Jiraiya?"

"He got L.I.T. He's currently MIA... damn army tracking device won't go into effect until Monday..."

The white haired man winces at the pitch and volume of Ren's yell,

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, LOST IN TRANSIT?"

"He's out there somewhere. Out there, all alone in the forest section..."

"GODDAMMIT JIRAIYA!"

"Gomen, gomen..."

"Fine. Seeing as the Orochimaru is already loose, release the fangirls." there is an evil giggle.

Jiraiya shivers,"Copy that. Toad out."

"Inky out."

BACK WITH THE AKATSUKI.

WITH SASORI AND DEIDARA

"Hmm... danna, un, what should our team name be, un?"

"Team Art. What else?"

"Ah, good point, un."

WITH ITACHI AND KISAME

"I vote Team Samehada!"

"Shisui..."

"Team Shisui? That's lame and kinda creepy, Itachi-san!"

"No... no... Shisui... he's ALIVE..."

There is a moment of silence where Kisame peers at the stricken Uchiha concernedly,"Yes, Itachi, he is."

"I killed him... and he's ALIVE... am I not good enough for Akatsuki anymore, Kisame? Is that why they brought him back? Even my foolish little brother is slowly gaining on my skills... it isn't right..." Itachi's eyes glimmer from Sharingan-red back to onyx.

"Aww... Itachi-san, you're fine..." Kisame pats the raven on the shoulder.

He sniffs.

"Team Samehada it is!" Kisame announces after a few seconds.

WITH KAKUZU AND HIDAN

"I say Team Jashin!"

"I say Team Money!"

"Team Jashin!"

"Team Money!"

"JASHIN!"

"MONEY!"

WITH TOBI AND ZETSU

"Let's be Team Jungle! **That's lame."**

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi says Team Lollipop!"

"Whatever, Tobi. **Hmph."**

WITH PEIN AND KONAN

"Konan, let us be Yahiko's Angels."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Konan starts laughing her head off.

Pein stares at her,"I do not see what is so funny. I was making a version of Charlie's Angels."

"AHAHAHAHA! Yahiko's *hic * Angels! You with wings! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Pein sweatdrops and hopes that his partner soon recovers her normal stoic self.

REN AND THE AKATSUKI

Ren races back to the Akatsuki,"So! Do you have your team names?"

"MONEY! MONEYYYYY, I SAY!"

"NO! NEVER! JASHIN-SAMA RULEZ!"

Cue sweatdrop. "Apparently not."

She takes out a little pad and goes around to Itachi and Kisame,"What's your team name?"

"Samehada! 3" Kisame says.

Ren casts a quick look at the depressed Uchiha and gives him a quick hug,"Aw, sweetie, Shisui forgives you! I'll let you and him have a quick chat soon, if you're a good boy, okay?"

"Okay..." Itachi agrees quietly.

Kisame makes a mental note to hug and give his partner dango more.

Ren scribbles "Samehada" into her pad.

"Your team name?"

"Lollipop, Ren-hime! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Lolli... pop... okay..." Ren bypasses Sasori and Deidara, already guessing what their team name was, and goes to Pein's team.

"Yahiko's Angels."

"AHAHAHAHA!" Ren joins Konan with the laughing. Pein glares.

As soon as his Rinnegan starts to glow slightly in anger, Ren sobers up,"Right. Yahiko's... Angels... heh heh..."

"IT'S GONNA BE MONEY!"

"NUUUUU! JASHIN-SAMA!"

Ren sighs,"Guys figure it out!"

They don't acknowledge her. She gets a little tic-mark but then smirks,"Fine. Hidan and Kakuzu. Team THE CAKE IS A LIE."

"Eh?" they both turn to her.

"Never mind. Sasori and Deidara! Team Art! Kisame and Itachi! Team Samehada! Tobi and Zetsu! Team Lollipop! Hidan and Kakuzu! Team The Cake Is A Lie! And finally, last, but not least, Pein and Konan, Team Yahiko's Angels!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone starts yelling with laughter.

Pein just sits there and simmers.

"AND LET THE REALITY SHOW BEGIN!"


	3. Creating Shelter

**E heh... e heh... S-Ranked Kittens people... please don't kill me... I know it's been a long time, but I'll update soon! Promise! **

***coughs***

**Moving right on, here's a new chapter of Akatsuki Survival Camp! Complete with some random OCs, and fangirls! Now with sixty percent more Orochimaru!**

**DUDE, THAT SUCKS!**

**...sorry. He's just a creepy ancient gay pedophile transvestite who preys on little boys. *meep* **

**But he has snakes! Snakes are cool!**

**Ahem.**

**REN'S REVIEWS**

**Yuti-Chan: Thankies! I can't wait, either! It'll be soon, no worries. Next chapter, there's a challenge!**

**Katarina Wolffe: ARIGATOU, KATA-CHAN! That scary girl who writes these is mean TT . TT I'm hiring you as my lawyer!**

**crazychocochica17: Everyone needs their daily dose of Hidan *blushes***

**evil-tea: Thanks!**

**Ninja-Cookie-monster: Leader-sama never takes his meds. NEVER. Neither do the rest of us, but that's beside the point.**

**AND: Would you like to ask me questions about myself? The Author, and Ren! I'll probably answer most of them... be them about stories, ideas, myself...**

**AND HERE'S THE NEWEST CHAPTER! I even have a recap. Jashin, I'm so cool...**

_Recap: _

"_AND LET THE REALITY SHOW BEGIN!"_

"AND LET THE REALITY SHOW BEGIN!" Ren yells, throwing her arms to the sky, making herself look like a rather demented purple haired bat.

Deidara suppresses the urge to snicker.

Wind rushes by.

"Um... right..." Ren rustles around in her contract form that's suddenly tripled in size, looking for something. "AHA!" She pulls out a thick pamphlet labeled "THE GAME PLAN". Bringing out the purple pen, she then starts scribbling and crossing off things,"Right... at the island... made greeting speech... loosened tie twice... check, check, check... um... glasses appeared... fangirls released..."

This is enough to break Itachi out of his "Shisui's-alive" emo daze,"What?"

"Fangirls. You'll be facing hordes of them. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ren cackles evilly.

Hidan smirks,"I knew there was a fucking reason I- um, me and Jashin-sama liked you!"

"Smooooth, Hidan." Kisame chuckles, elbowing the swiftly reddening Jashinist.

"Shut up, you fucking heathen!" he yells.

"Now, now, boys." Konan admonishes.

Ren smirks, and suddenly turns to Sasori,"SEVEN LETTER WORD USING ALL VOWELS IN THE ENGLISH ALPHABET!"

Sasori mulls it over for a few seconds,"Er... sequoia."

"Thank you, 'Sori-kun!" she chirps, scribbling it down somewhere,"Kakuzu, you'll be happy to know I just won twenty-five thousand dollars. Moving on, I've gotta get you guys to your bases! Ready? SET! FIGHT FOR 'EM!"

Silence.

"Ren?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we supposed to be doing?"

"Oh. Go and find a place for a base. With your partner. And build shelter. With your partner. And build a firepit and get some food and water. With your partner. Did I mention to do these things with your partner?" Ren dead-pans,"Also, here's some crap that I'm supposed to give you." she hands each of them a leather bag, some long sticks, a tarp, a large canteen to hold water in, two matches, two energy bars and a rusty kunai.

"Okay..." everyone starts ambling down the beach at a leisurely pace, holding their stuff.

"GODDAMMIT PEOPLE, RUN BEFORE THE OROCHIMARU GETS YOUR SCENT!" she yells.

Cue sprinting.

Nobody, repeat, nobody wanted to be hunted down by the Orochimaru.

WITH TEAM ART

Deidara and Sasori decide to build their shelter in a small clearing near the beach, but cleverly hidden between some trees and bushes.

"Deidara, you get the food, and I can build the shelter." Sasori offers.

"Okay, un." the blonde agrees, and goes running off into the forest.

"DEIDARA!" the red-head yells back at him.

His head pops out from behind a tree,"Yeah?"

Sasori chucks a lime green spray bottle at him,"Anti-Orochimaru spray. I made it when I figured out that the teme was taking picture of me while I slept." he shivers in disgust at the memory.

The blonde's eyes tear up in pain for the agony his poor poor danna must have gone through. He chalks it up to the _horrific_ smell oozing from the bottle, because Deidara was just too manly to ever cry. **(A/N: I love Deidara. Don't get me wrong, I really do, but the guy looks like a girl and whines like one. I am also a girl, and I know I whine to guys just to be annoying :P . So, no yelling at me**. **Mmkay?)**

Sasori starts building the shelter. He starts by shoving the two bushes far apart. They create two barriers on each side. The two trees on the other side of the bushes can be guard posts. He lays out a thin layer of twigs, and then some brush, and then he covers that up with a thin layer of mud.

While it dries, Sasori drags some large branches over. He then starts covering the mud with another layer of twigs and branches to make a comfortable floor. The floor is done.

He then pulls the branches up and makes a roomy shack-like structure using the bushes and trees to lean sticks and large pieces of bark on. Chakra strings also made the business a whole lot easier.

By then, Deidara has come back, lugging the leather bag full of berries and nuts. He's gone through Sasori's "This is Poisonous, This is Not" and Zetsu's "Plants 101" lectures, so he assumes most of the food was good.

"Danna, un, there's a little stream a few hundred yards from here! This place is perfect, un! And wow, the shelter's looking artistic, hmm!"

"Thank you, Deidara. Now, I'm going to need your help. You need to help me cover the walls with bark and leaves, and then mud, and then leaves and bark again."

"Got it, un!" the blonde puts the bag of food in the shelter, in the corner the puppeteer points out to him, and starts helping.

TEAM LOLLIPOP

"Ooh, ooh, Zetsu-san! Tobi can build the shelter- wha... oh, Zetsu-san! That shelter looks nice!"

"Go and find some fruit for us, Tobi. **Goddamn brat will probably find us poison ivy..."**

Their shelter was in the deeper parts of the forest.

TEAM YAHIKO'S ANGELS (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Konan waves her hands and a layered paper house appears. Pein nods and they both go in.

Ren glares at the back of Konan's head,"That was too easy..."

The house isn't even protected, just there on the middle of the beach.

TEAM THE CAKE IS A LIE

Hidan and Kakuzu work together (yelling all along) on the house. It's a rather lopsided things, with some gaps and holes, but it seems sturdy. They used the tarp to create a tepee effect.

Their shelter is near the stream Deidara mentioned.

"This is fucking hard!" Hidan moans.

"Stop bitching, Hidan!"

TEAM SAMEHADA

Kisame, being the man-power of the team, bends a few trees in half, and has Itachi pile sticks where the tree didn't cover. They set the tarp on the ground as a floor, and pile rocks as a firepit.

"Hmmm... I like it." Kisame says.

"Hn." our favorite ice cube says.

BACK WITH REN

"REN-NEE!"

"EMILY-CHAN!" Ren jumps out of her skin, yelling. She's in a blue bikini and lounging on the beach. It's her break, so she's planning to get as good of a tan as she can get.

"...why are you wearing a bikini, o-nee-san?"

"Because I am. NYAH!" Ren sticks her tongue out at her "little sister". Emily isn't related to her by blood, but she still refers to her as her little sister.

"Okay... GIMME POCKY!"

"I DON'T HAVE POCKY!"

"TOO BAD! GIMME!" Emily tackles her "sister" and they roll around in the sand for a few minutes.

Emily then gets off Ren, pouting,"You don't love me. You don't give me pocky. Hmph."

Ren hmphs as well, and turns away.

Silence.

Ren breaks first,"Aw, Emi-chan, I would give you Pocky, but I don't got any!"

"Hn."

"Aw, no, don't start Hn-ing."

"Tch. Hn."

"NO! Stop Hn-ing!"

"Hn."

"STOP HN-ING, DAMMIT!" Ren rolls over and pins the cotton-candy-blue-haired girl to the ground.

"Fine, jeez! Imma go hang out with Itachi." Emily gets up and runs over into the forest.

Ren sweatdrops from her position in the sand and decides it's not worth it.

"Why do I even keep her around..." she mutters.

"BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME!"

"Right... love..."

**YAY! IT'S STARTED (SORTA!)!**

**Reviews are good! If you review, I'll give you a chocolate Deidara! And a Kisame plushie to snuggle with. Cheesecake to extra good reviews, as well!**


	4. TEAM ART: The Guinea Pigs

**Yay! Some reviews (not as many as before, but meh). And again, READ "Being Ninja Or Not" and review it! Honestly, it's really good (or so we like to think).**

**REN'S REVIEWS**

**crazychocochica17: …Here's both! *is indecisive * Naw, I don't think Emily'll steal 'Tachi-kun. : )**

**Katarina Wolffe: You're not pregnant? DAMMIT! That's actually the thought that went through my head. And then you said no. *laughing * Ah… Wooden… cod… I, (Ren), am twenty. My full name is Himura Ren. I live vicariously! What are these credit cards you speak of? Ditto to social security. Yeah.**

**Emi and Alex: *rescues 'Sori-kun * Aw, I won't let my scary lil' sis hurt you, Red- er, Sasori. Yeah, Sasori. **

**Yuti-chan: *gives you your chocolate Deidara * 'ere ya go!**

**DeafeningSilence1317: *happy eye-crease like Kakashi's * Yay! I have one of my personal Fanfiction goddesses (I'm assuming you're a girl. If you're a guy… eh, whatever. : ) ) reviewing! I love your story! **

**Ninja-Cookie-monster: Did you see the fanart where Kakuzu gives Hidan a microchip or something to makes him all happy and good (Seriously, he was like "COME TO ME, MY FURRY ANIMAL FRIENDS!" and I was like O.o WTF, HIDAN?) and then Deidara and him are creeped out, so they take the microchip out and then he becomes his normal bitchy self, in which he's screaming about "WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE ANIMALS AROUND ME?" and all that? It's funny. : )**

**Well, thank you guys! By the way, it's gonna be the next day. **

THE NEXT DAY (**A/N: To clarify for the morons. *grins * I'm so nice.)**

Ren is smiling evilly as she creeps up on the beach from her unknown residence on the island.

The horn she has in her hands blares at 4:32 am, before the break of dawn.

The general response is,"WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN?" to which she gives an even larger smile and another blast.

Sooner or later, all of the Akatsuki is situated on the beach, having pulled on clothes and sprinted to where Ren is.

Ren takes a look and just bursts out laughing.

Kisame is in a pair of boxers and a backwards navy blue t-shirt.

Itachi is… Itachi, so he's in perfect clothes (well, his ever-present necklace, and a pair of Uchiha-print swimming trunks (**A/N: I want a bathing suit like that!). **There is some "censored" bars over his upper body, so the fangirls don't try to maul him.

Deidara is in a white t-shirt that says "ART IS A BANG!" in block/graffiti lettering with a little explosion that Ren remembered making and giving for him a few Christmases ago, and some red swimming trunks. His blonde hair is in his classic gravity-defying hair, but is all mussed up, and his blue eyes are bleary.

Sasori is in a pair of green swim trunks and a black t-shirt that says in beautiful calligraphy,"ART IS ETERNAL." with a little Hiruko on it (Ren also made this one). His red hair is even more messy than normal, but he looks somewhat awake.

Hidan has a polo shirt that's inside out and he's desperately trying to button it, and failing miserably, cursing all along. He's wearing his Jashinist pendant and a pair of black swimming trunks.

Kakuzu is in similar attire to Hidan, except his shirt is buttoned.

Tobi is in a full-body black jumpsuit.

Zetsu is in green swimming trunks.

Pein is glaring straight at Ren, in orange boxers.

Konan is in a black t-shirt with a blue bikini bottom.

All of them, minus Sasori and Itachi, look bleary, exhausted and very annoyed.

When Ren is done with her laughing spazz, she straightens and loosens her tie. This one is lime green with orange parrots. It clashes horribly with herself and her hair. Her white dress-shirt hangs loosely on her frame, the first three buttons open to reveal already tanned skin.

"Anyways, your first task will happen when the sun rises. There's a cliff where the event will take place." she says.

They all nod, and follow Ren.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

"Where the hell is this place?" Hidan whines,"It's been like, five hours of uphill hiking!"

"Shut up, Hidan." Kakuzu growls.

"It's only been fifteen minutes!" Ren chirps as they round yet another bend to climb yet another steep hill.

AN HOUR AFTER FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

They finally arrived at the cliff.

Ren uncovers her watch. The Orochimaru-sensor wasn't beeping, but she wasn't taking any chances. Nope. Judging from the little machine, he was at least one hundred yards away. That, or he managed to get the tracking device off (they had paid the army exorbitant amounts for it, and for them to activate it early).

She shivered at the thought.

"Anyways, here is the first survival test! You and your partner will be tied together in a harness and dropped off the side of one of these cliffs!" she gestured all around to the three different cliffs. "Pick your cliff!"

Team Art and Team Lollipop stay at the cliff they were at, Team Yahiko's Angels (AHAHAHAHA!) and Team The Cake Is A Lie go to the cliff across and to the left of the current cliff, and Team Samehada goes by themselves to the cliff to the right of them. The third cliff (the one to the middle) is all alone.

"OKAY!" Ren creates a microphone out of ink so people can hear her. "TEAM ART IS GOING FIRST!"

Deidara and Sasori get into the harness, with only a few inches between the two. Ren then busily ties their hands behind the other's backs, and ties their legs together.

"Are you ready, danna, un?" Deidara asks as they begin to shuffle over to the edge of the cliff.

Sasori has no time to reply before they tumble off, kicking in the back by Ren.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Both men are screaming and clutching at each other as they are free-falling through the air.

Ren stares down the side of the cliff where two hardened S-Ranked criminals are currently clutching at each other and falling. "This.. this is just sad." she mutters.

"AHHHHH! OHMIGOD!" Sasori yells, wind whipping past his face. He tries to undo the knots, but in his panic, he can't.

"AIEEEEEEEE! AHHHHH! DANNA, SAVE ME, UN!"

"I CAN'T! I'M FALLING WITH YOU!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they scream for thirty more seconds, before Sasori somehow manages to get his hands free.

"DANNA, IF YOU CAN REACH, I HAVE CLAY IN MY POCKET!"

Sasori manages to reach (despite the awkwardness), and feels around in Deidara's pocket. Nothing.

"THERE'S NOTHING THERE!"

"WHAT? YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME, UN!" 

Sasori takes a glance up, glares at the spot of purple, and then sees the little thing of clay falling high above them.

"IT FLOATED OUT OF YOUR POCKET!"

"DAMMIT, UN! WE'RE FALLING!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" they both continue their scream.

SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES LATER

Ren is snickering.

Pein and Konan are both sighing, sweatdropping, and facepalming. Their organization was so out of it.

Suddenly, there was silence from the two artists.

BACK WITH THEM

There is silence, because the two have gotten out of breath.

Deidara and Sasori continue falling.

"WE'RE STILL FALLING!" Deidara eventually yells.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they both scream.

Ren looks pleased,"There we go!"

Hidan and Kakuzu go a little pale.

Sasori then gets a good idea. Since his hands are free, he creates chakra strings.

They wrap around a log.

The two's fall is stopped, but now they're on two separate sides of a log.

"Well, at least we're not falling, un." Deidara states optimistically, voice hoarse from screaming.

CRACK.

"…I take that back. AHHHHHH!" Deidara screams as they fall for another thirty seconds before landing with a splash in water.

Both emerge, coughing and spluttering, and start floating downstream. Sasori is faced down.

"Uh-oh." he says, as a roaring noise gets louder and louder.

"Lemme guess, a huge waterfall, un." Deidara says flatly.

"Yup." Sasori says.

"Piranhas, yeah?" he asks.

"Mmhmm."

"Huge rocks at the bottom, hmm?"

"Probably."

There is steely determination in Deidara (and Sasori's) eyes,"Bring it on."

Pein and Konan wince as their two artists go flying off the edge of the waterfall, screaming.

"Well… that went great!" Ren reflects, loosening her tie.

**Evil, evil Ren-chan. **

**Well, how was it? I'll be updating S-Ranked like… tomorrow… Christmas break is next week, and that will be mediocre updates, due to the stupid Learning Fair my school makes me do. Meh.**

**Well, review, review!**


	5. Yaoi Rumours

***skids into view * I'M BACK! **

***angry reviewers throw stuff at me * **

**Jeez, people! * is dodging* Love you, too! Well, I'm back, anyhow.**

**This is the next chapter of Akatsuki Survivor Camp!**

**REN'S REVIEWS**

**Ninja-Cookie-monster: Yay! Yeah, hilarious fanart! And I'm very evil… XD**

**Yuti-chan: Haha, TEAM LOLLIPOP! Yup, they're epic. Team Yahiko's Angels (AHAHAHAHAHA!) and Team The Cake Is A Lie is in this chapter, but Team Lollipop is next!**

**crazychocochica17: *appear ink machine gun * I think I can take them… thanks for the warning. XD**

**evil-tea: Yup. My poor, poor, teammates.**

**ErinEhmazing: ALLITERATIVE TITLE! YAY! Aw, take some Tylenol. It's good for headaches.**

**Katarina Wolffe: I'm only wearing one tie. AUTHOR EMBELLISHMENT!**

**MidnightMusic96: I LOVE THAT MOVIE SO MUCH IT HURTS! YAY! Yeah, I actually quote that a lot.**

**AND HERE IS THE NEXT AMAZING CHAPTER OF AKATSUKI SURVIVOR CAMP! S-Ranked Kittens will be updated next!**

Ren keeps everything moving, ignoring the screaming and chomping sounds. She then points at Team The Cake Is A Lie, grinning evilly.

Even from across the large gorge in the middle of the cliffs, Hidan blanches and grabs onto Kakuzu's arm,"Oh… my… fucking… Jashin… is it just me, or is Ren a fucking scary bitch when she gets like this?"

"It's not just you." Kakuzu mutters, eyes wide.

"YOU!" Ren yells into an ink microphone.

"Me?" Hidan squeaks.

"YES, YOU!" she booms, loosening her tie. "GET INTO THE HARNESS, AND THEN JUMP!"

"I don't wanna!" Hidan whines.

"TOO BAD!"

"NO!"

"SUCK IT UP, BITCH! GET INTO THE HARNESS!"

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!"

"DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!"

Kakuzu grabs his partner's arms and forces him to get into the harness.

"I'm fucking scared, Kuzu…" the Jashinist whimpers faintly.

Kakuzu closes his eyes,"Hidan, if you ever call me Kuzu again, I swear to God I will rip out your tongue, shove it up your ass and then disembowel you."

"Okay, okay! Jeez, you're such an asshole!" Hidan yells.

And then they jump over the side of the cliff.

Unlike Team Art, they don't scream. Instead, they end up hugging each other.

"STOP PROVING THE YAOI RUMORS, DAMMIT!" Pein yells.

Silence.

"Where did they go?" Ren asks, peering over the side of the cliff.

"Dunno. **Probably died."** Zetsu says.

"Hidan's immortal, and Kakuzu has five hearts. Eh, whatever. We'll find them later."

There's some sounds that sound like screaming, but Ren chalks it up to the wild fangirls.

WITH HIDAN AND KAKUZU

THUD.

"ITAI! FOR JASHIN'S GODDAMN FUCKING SAKE, THAT BURNED!"**  
**

"SHUT UP, HIDAN!"

There is silence.

"Get your elbow out of my side!"

"Not until you get your head out of my gut!"

"I can't, because your leg is wrapped around my neck!"

"Oh mi Jashin, what the fuck are you DOING! AH, KAKUZU THAT TICKLES!"

A fangirl who was stalking them faints, drooling at the mouth due to the "yaoi rumours being proven true".

Finally, the two get separated, and out of the harness.

"Where the fuck are we?" Hidan yells.

"How should I know?"

The Jashinist pouts and turns away. The light reflects off something in the bushes, and Hidan's pink-purple eyes go wide.

"Um… er… Kakuzu?" his voice goes strained and high pitched.

"What now?" his partner grunts.

Hidan's shoulder and neck are absolutely stiff as he points in a few jerky motions to the bushes as they rustle.

There is a giggle, and the sun comes shining through the clearing. All different sorts of eyes are shown.

"Aw, fuck…" Kakuzu mutters as the fangirls scream and make a massive mob,

"KUZU-KUN! HIDAN-KUN!"

They run away screaming.

BACK WITH REN

"Team Yahiko's Angels- AHAHAHA- Ano, sorry, Pein-sama! – it's your turn!"

Konan blushes as Ren makes tiger claws with her hand and growls when the blue-haired woman is pressed against her partner in the harness.

"Stop that, Ren." she says quietly.

Pein looks down at her, smirking slightly at the crimson blush.

"Ready… set… JUMP!" Ren yells, bouncing.

The two jump. Konan immediately creates a pair of paper wings and they go flying away, back to their cliff.

"GETTIM KONAN! DON'T LET HIM DOMINATE YOU, WOMAN!" Ren yells, smirking.

A piece of paper flies toward Ren at top speed, and tapes itself to her mouth.

"MMM! AGH! MMPHRAGH!" she falls over, clawing at her face to get the paper off.

From their vantage point, Shisui and Obito sigh.

"Time to go help out…" Obito mutters, sliding his goggles down.

They walk out and pin the purple-haired woman down. Obito sits on her, and Shisui rips the paper off with a loud sound.

"ITAI! DAMMIT, SHISUI!"

"Shisui? WHERE?" Itachi yells from his cliff, flailing around.

Kisame sighs heavily and grabs onto the back of his partner's shirt so he doesn't fall off the cliff.

Shisui Shunshins over to the cliff,"Hiya, Itachi!"

"Shisui, you're alive! How are you alive?" Itachi says, as Kisame turns him to face Shisui, not trusting his partner's failing eyesight.

"Author embellishment." Shisui says, waving a hand as though it explained everything.

"…oh, so pants interference?" Itachi nods, understanding.

Kisame sweatdrops,"Am I missing something?"

"Be quiet, Kisame, I am reuniting with my cousin, whom I killed!" Itachi snaps.

"…right…" Kisame gets depression lines and a sweatdrop, and shuffles off to give the two men privacy.

"HOLLA!" Ren yells when she realizes this.

"NO YAOI RUMOURS!" Pein yells from wherever he's making out with Konan.

Obito giggles,"But some of those are true!"

"I agree, Obito-kun, I agree." Ren says, loosening her tie, and putting a finger in the collar of her shirt to loosen that as well.

"Honestly, Ren-chan, your clothes are going to fall off if you keep loosening them." Obito says.

"What, are you watching my clothes loosen and loosen? Do you WANT to see them fall off?"

"No. Hidan would try to sacrifice me to Jashin."

"…good point, Obito!"

"I do try."

The camera pans back to Itachi and Shisui who are hugging.

"D'awwww…" Emily (who has randomly popped up, again) and Ren say, hugging each other and Obito.

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT YAOI RUMOURS?"

WITH TEAM ART

"Deidara, would you mind handing me my arm- ah, thank you."

"No problem, danna, un."

"I swear, Ren made that happen."

"Knowing her, she probably did, un."

"We need to get her back…"

"Heh heh… good idea, hmm!"

"Let's brainstorm… ah, also, I think I see my left foot there."

"Here ya go, danna!"

**Hope you liked it! REVIEWS ARE AWESOME!**


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